come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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