That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
