There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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