Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
