I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
