I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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