i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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