Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
