Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
