i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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