Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
