I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
