I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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