I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
