i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize