i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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