Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize