I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
