i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
