it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
