Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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