Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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