# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
