It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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