Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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