I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
