Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
