I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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