Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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