DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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