Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
