Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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