Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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