and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
