Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
