how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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