she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
