you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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