then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
