why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
