I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
