That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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