I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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