you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
