Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
