You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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