I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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