So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
