I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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