i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
