I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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