I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
