fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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