this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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