does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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