at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
meet me or not, i'm out of control
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
