i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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