just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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