she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
