So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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