Already got asked if we're dating
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
