I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
