Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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