at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
