so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
