You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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