i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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