we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
