So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
