Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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