i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
