Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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